Lessons I'm learning

Our memory verse in my 2nd grade classroom this week so happens to be Philippians 2:14 - 

"Do everything without complaining or arguing."

I learned this from a wise woman once:  When reading a verse, reread it to yourself over and over again, each time emphasizing a different word.  Like this:

Do EVERYTHING without complaining or arguing.
Do everything WITHOUT complaining or arguing.
Do everything without COMPLAINING or arguing.
Do everything without complaining OR arguing.

Or

The LORD is my shepherd.
The Lord IS my shepherd.
The Lord is MY shepherd.
The Lord is my SHEPHERD.

Etc.

Savoring each word like dark chocolate.

After I read with the children about how the Israelites grumbled in the wilderness and how God continued to provide for them and remained faithful to them, despite the fact that they were SO UNDESERVING, I couldn't help but reflect on God's faithfulness to me lately, despite the fact that I have been a bit blue and thankless these last two weeks, focusing instead on my sacrifices, my desires, my SELF.  Blasted self.

The novelty of moving to a new city has faded, and now my heart's sin reveals itself in the humdrum of everyday life.  How prone I am at times to give in to discouragement, or to an outwardly quiet but inwardly screaming attitude of entitlement for my sacrifices to never go unrecognized or under-appreciated.  So ugly.

As I struggle at times to want to be regularly appreciated (whatever that looks like) for my sacrifices, the Lord in His great wisdom is teaching me to reflect on the nature of HIS SACRIFICE for me.  I think of Jesus willingly and lovingly sacrificing Himself for people who He knew would reject his sacrifice or under-appreciate it.  And that He sacrificed out of great LOVE and an unshakable COMMITMENT to do the will of His Father.

I do have moments/seasons of sacrifice that looks like this.  Then the reality that I'm human and not God hits me between the eyes in those other moments when I get tired of my sacrifices or quietly resentful about making them.

He is so different from me.  So constant.  Altogether good.  Full of unfailing love.
That gap between His nature and my nature seems to grow wider and wider,  the more experiences I have to learn just how sinful I am and how holy He is.

Back to my classroom

After reciting our Bible verse, I asked this simple discussion question yesterday to my students: "What are some things you have complained about?".

As I listened to some of these 7 and 8 year olds lay bare their sins, I sat there convicted.
Quietly turning the question onto myself, the Lord gently and clearly brought to my mind complaints my heart was harboring.  Ohhh, Lord, forgive me!

It seems He is constantly having to save me from my own pride, self-righteousness, laziness, or envy.

"How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep me from deliberate sins!  Don't let them control me.
...May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

Psalm 19:12-14

Today's bad attitude

Today I have a bad attitude.

Waiting is hard.

It's not fun.

Today is a day when I longed to have children.  My own children.

When you spend your days investing into other people's children and you get to a point when you're ready to spend that energy training and guiding your own babies, that investment in other children feels....harder.  It hurts a little.

And then I think about how my biological clock is ticking. (Marisa Tomei anyone?)

They say the likelihood of bearing children with birth defects increases the older a woman gets.  - Though I know it can happen, I actually don't spend time worrying about this, but it helps my case when I feel like venting or I don't know, say, when I'm selfishly trying to persuade my husband to bump up our baby-having date, even though it goes directly against our previous, logical, genuine, prayer-covered, unified, team plan agreement.

Earlier this week, I had a great attitude.  I even told a friend how I have learned not to wish this season away and how the Lord has helped me to see each phase in my life as a gift not to be squandered.  And how He has specifically shown me wonderful purposes for this childless season.

But, wouldn't you know it, I'm human (darn humanity!)  Today, my inner-self pouted.  Okay, my outer-self too.  There was arm crossing involved.  And maybe a tear or two rolling down a sullen face in a quiet room by myself.

What fickle creatures we are.  Not you?  You lie.

I have inspiring perspective one day, then my 2 year-old self rises up and needs to be dealt with.  And sometimes I'm too lazy to deal with her.  So I let her have her little tantrum (relegated to my own head), knowing that in the end, she will not win.

That does comfort me.  Knowing that she will not win.  That though I may indulge her, Christ doesn't leave me in my crumby perspective but always shows me a way out of it, even validates my natural longings.  He's so kind.

For now, let it be known.  I'm pouting.  And Christ still accepts and loves me.