One year

I rarely beat Matt up.

That came out wrong.

I mean I rarely wake up before Matt. 

But this morning, I woke up alert and excited.  I think I was eager to reflect because today marks 1 full year that we've lived in Kansas City.

July 1, 2012
Leaving Colorado Springs, our first home together.

Our moving caravan to Kansas City, one year ago today.

Our church here in Kansas City provides a Weekly Reading Guide with specifically chosen readings that coincide with our current sermon series and the upcoming sermon text.   Today's reading is Psalm 9 which fittingly begins like this:

"I will thank you, Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done.

I will be filled with joy because of you.

I will sing praises to your name, O Most High."

                                                                           - Psalm 9:1-2

I am overwhelmed by the Lord's kindnesses to us and perfect guidance this year.  When we first moved out here, we requested three things of the Lord:

1. that He would help us with the details of the move
2. that He would grant Matt the capacity to succeed in med school
3. that He would lead us to a supportive community of friends

Not only did he do all three, He did much more, some of which I didn't even ask for.

• He brought Matt and I through another year of marriage with more empathy for one another than we've ever had.

• He showed me how much trust I put in "being a good teacher" and lovingly let me experience feelings of failure (I felt, for a large part of the year, like I fell short of my own standards), so that, I think, He could root me deeper still in The Good News that being "right with Him" (acceptable/valued...) has nothing to do with what I do well or perfectly but has everything to do with that I identify myself with his Perfect Son, Jesus.

• He led us to a Gospel-centered church.  I mean they focus on the Gospel every. single. week.  And it has changed my heart.  One Sunday our pastor said, "The Gospel is shallow enough for babies to wade in, but deep enough for elephants to drown in" and that, as a Christian, I will forever be growing deeper in the fundamental truths of it.

  

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I love taking communion every Sunday.  It's not a ritual or a meaningless duty.  It has become a joyful time to remember Christ and His righteousness, so that I don't have to be self-righteous or self-loathing.  I very much look forward to it at the end of every service.

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Several years ago, by contrast, I visited a church on July 4th in another city and was discouraged when I left trying to remember if I heard the name "Jesus" even mentioned.  The message focused on patriotism and God's love for America.  I'm not unpatriotic, but my gosh, Uncle Sam didn't DIE for my sins to make me right with God.  I wanted to hear about a different set of stripes that Sunday.  The ones which by I am healed.

I recently got to go to a Women's Conference, and there these realities sunk into my heart deeper in this year of newness and fumbling than perhaps in any of my other more "stellar" years:

• My desire to lay down at night and feel good about myself, to get to the end of the day and say "I'm okay" or "I really am good because I did _______today" is what the Bible calls "righteousness."  The Good News is I don't have to spend my days trying to get it for myself because I already have it in Christ.  If in my mind, my righteousness is Jesus + (anything), I must get the (anything) out of the way.

• When I lay down at night, my mind sometimes plays the game of feeling satisfied with myself (my house is clean, I disciplined my kids/students well, I looked like a good teacher in front of the other teachers, I was a good friend, I read a book AND journaled about it, I made dinner that tasted pretty good and there's enough for leftovers because I was thinking ahead, I didn't nag my husband when I could have) or disappointed with myself (my house is a wreck, my journal is gathering dust, dinner turned out gross and there's leftovers that I feel obligated not to waste, I said something I shouldn't have, and Aw Man! I forgot to follow through with a consequence for that child today!), as I replay the day over in my head, thinking of things I did well or areas where I flubbed and feel like a failure.

Now when I lay down on my pillow, I pray that God brings to my mind the righteousness of His Son, so that I can reflect on the perfect life He lived on my behalf, instead of puffing myself up or beating myself up about the day.

• All of God's wrath for all of my sin was already poured out on Jesus on the cross.  So I don't have to pile wrath on myself at the end of the day when I don't feel like I measured up.   Even on days when I go to bed a little annoyed at myself, my God sees me as righteous because Christ is righteous and I am IN Christ. There is no need to be self-righteous for the good I do, or to feel weighed down by the mistakes I make.

If He moved us to Kansas City just to position my heart to understand these things more, the move was entirely worth it.

*While there are lots of good churches in Kansas City, if you are looking for a church or are just curious, then let me know.  You are welcomed to come with me and Matt!