Huh...it's not about me

I was afraid I would fail him.  I was terrified of failing him.

(It had been a long day.  The kind of day when I become keenly aware of my inadequacies.)

I was shaking from crying.  I was undone.

What if I wouldn't be a good enough working wife while he was in med school?

What if I would not be emotionally available to him as much as I would want and he would need, especially if my job required a big piece of myself? 

What if I dropped the ball and did not have energy to clean the house regularly and create a peaceful study environment for him?

What if I couldn't be what he needed?

What if....I wasn't enough for him?


Then, a wise friend reminded me that I WILL inevitably fail him and in fact already have.

And the Lord pointed out how many times the word "I" was in my thinking.

And I heard Him say,

"I know you doubt yourself, and yet your natural ability (or lack thereof) to be extraordinary is not to be your concern. I am the only one who fills everything in every way.  I am the one Matt needs.  I will be enough for him.  And for you.  I am extraordinary.  You need not be."

Sweet truth washing over me.

Yes. Yes.

It's okay to cry.

Okay, Lord.

Trust me.

Okay, Lord.

"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and took note that these men had been with Jesus."
                                                                                                                                         Acts. 4:13